I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
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ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Holy shit he’s back
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.