The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
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I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK