Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
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“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.