I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
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I love you…
…r dog.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Cinematography is my passion
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
What the hell happened in there??
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.