i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
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If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Canadian owl: Eh?
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.