Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
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[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”