If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.