There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
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Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
This did not end as expected.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I feel seen.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”