ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
You wish you had this many chins.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.