Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
You Might Also Like
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Coffee for people with no kids
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
not to brag, but mine was free
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…