can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
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I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Botany good plants lately?
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides