Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
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[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what