A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
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women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
peak technology
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?