Did a trash talking tree write this?
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WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
this is funnier than any friends episode
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer