my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
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The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.