I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
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me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything