A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
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“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”