Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
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People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Muppet Screams
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.