Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
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Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I love you…
…r dog.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”