13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
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I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.