got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
You Might Also Like
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
no one likes gloating
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.