Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
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My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
did it work