i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
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ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I’m going to need a moment here.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
*serious situation*
My brain:
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
this has done me in for some reason
SCARY COSTUME
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior