ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
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ready to be harvested
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables