If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
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Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
PLOT TWIST:
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
what’s the point then??
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston