[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
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*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.