Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
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If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.