Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
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Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.