Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
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As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler