The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
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My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.