*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
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“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase