I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
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perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.