I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
You Might Also Like
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds