I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
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I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me