Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
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Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.