So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
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i think my razor is having a panic attack
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.