Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
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*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
それは草
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”