*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
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Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?