me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
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ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one