I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
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Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
(Musicians.)
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.