“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
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JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.