[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
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I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
u spoke cat all this time??????
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Still my favorite headline of all time: