They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
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Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Uh oh…
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.