Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
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Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
my first day as a raccoon
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿