I have written yet another poem about laundry
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kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Why am I like this?
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
(Jupiter –
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode