Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
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Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Everyone’s family
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone