For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
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I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.