I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
You Might Also Like
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.