“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
You Might Also Like
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.