All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
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Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive